College Nostalgia: Why I Wouldn't Go Back
Was it really "the good old days?" A Reflection on growth and self-acceptance
My husband and I frequently go to Berkeley for errands, food, and groceries. Last night while getting dinner, we saw so many college students. I guess it’s refreshing for us because the last few years, it’s been dead due to the pandemic.
Berkeley was lively, especially with a big at-home football game. My husband was reminiscing about how much fun college was and asked me if I would return to college.
I used to say I would go back and think of college with the same nostalgia. They were the “good days”.
Now, looking back, I would not go back. I’m happy and content with my life and have gone through so much to reach this point.
Looking back, I realized I was living from my fears - fears of being lonely, not belonging, disappointing my family, missing out, rejection.
Not a place I want to go back to.
Living based on my fears and taking action based on them led me to say yes whenever I meant no, to toxic activities, to exhaustion, and to pursue a career with tunnel vision.
It led me to avoid and distance myself from situations and people who irked me only to hang out with them again when the feelings subsided for the cycle to happen all over again. All the while, obviously never expressing how I felt.
On the extreme end, I believe it led me to go through abusive treatment, let’s be real - it was repetitive assault, and I stuck through with the men who harmed me until all I felt was numbness.
So…. in summary, no, I would not go back to college. I didn’t have the awareness I have now. I didn’t have the tools I have now. I didn’t know how to say no. I didn’t know how to identify when my boundaries had been crossed. I didn’t even know what boundaries were.
What I inherited and learned was to be selfless, to care for others, to work hard, to be obedient, to not talk back, to sacrifice for those I love.
And if I’m hurt, I am to repress, to shut down, to avoid until I’ve distracted myself enough away from that hurt so I can return to my bubbly self again, a version of me that’s pleasant to be around.
After some time, I’ve learned I don’t have to keep the things I inherited. Not all inheritances are positive. I’ve learned and am learning about how avoiding, people-pleasing, and hyperachieving have all hurt me.
I’m now in a space where I’m no longer living from those fears. Rather, I’m living from a place of self-love (like fr fr), if I love myself, would I continue hanging out with people who I feel terrible around? No.
If I love myself, would I push myself to work hard even if it led to lupus flares? No.
If I love myself, would I sacrifice my well-being to appease others? No.
Because I love myself and I care about my wellbeing, I’ve learned and am learning:
To honor the fluctuations of my energetic capacities for activities, chores, work
To accept my autoimmune conditions and to treat my body as a temple (rather than an enemy)
To identify my boundaries and to speak up when they’ve been crossed
To truly accept and appreciate when I receive compliments, words of affirmation, love, care, and gifts from others (and work on not feeling bad about it)
To let myself experiment, make mistakes, play, and follow curiosities
To live from a place that’s true within me, to learn how to slow down to hear from that place, even if it’s moment-to-moment
Still a journey and a work in progress. But I know I’ve grown when suddenly, I no longer wish I was in college, but I realized that No, I wouldn’t go back and I’m happy where I’m at right now 🥲
Reflection Questions for You:
In what areas of your life do you still notice fear influencing your decisions?
Who in your life supports your journey toward self-love, and how do they contribute positively to your growth?
How have your past struggles shaped your current perspective on self-worth and personal boundaries?
